Bosom Buddies

Don't they look happy! Don't ask them about the excess baggage though!

Five go to Paris by Owie Graham

The Tale of 'The Parisian Sale'

I new it was too good to be true, but we all like a bargain,
a free meal etc. Trust me it doesn't exist.
When I was asked 'Did I want to 90 to Paris to watch a
great game of rugby spend 3 nights in a luxury hotel door
to door transport and all for £ 177? You are tempted,
aren't you.
Well I was.
I should have caught on earlier when I was asked if I
minded taking my car to the airport, I didn't realise I was the only one with a car big enough to take us all. Never
mind I thought it's a small sacrifice to make to be in the company of such good friends, and the best was yet to come, or was it.
When we got to the airport we decided to oPerate a 'kitty' system and have a drink. The price per pint, expensive, but who cares lets have 5 or 6 rounds at £20 a go. Paris can only get better.
The flight is delayed, not much but delayed, lets have a another beer.
We take off, we land, we're there, we're not. We leave the plane after travelling for a further 47mins in the plane, on the ground.
At last we get off, and guess what we get on a bus and travel a further 14minsaround the airport . We have now spent longer on the ground at the airport that in actual
flying time. Never mind we're here'
Paris. The Cultural Graffiti city 2006n
Only a short train journey and metro ride and we end up
outside our luxury hotel.
We get of the metro at the right place but can we find the hotel no we can't. Trusty Tim. or TT as we call him is now not happy and calls for ideas. There seems to be only one sensible way forward as Tidz would put it 'More Magners'.
We find a typical French bar disguised as a Cockney Irish bar and succumb to more Magners. We come back to this bar later [Saturday] but find people there who are louder and more annoying than Howard so we leave. Oh and they new Graham Green and that's a good enough reason to leave anywhere.
We set about finding our hotel. we walk up five different streets and still we can't find it. TT is getting annoyed. Tidz is now hungry and thirsty.Howard's got gout and chaving. Phil is just Phil and Gyte is lookingfor anyone who can speak English. or Gyteish even.
We find our luxury hotel which was booked by TT. Two rooms. one 3 bed and one a 2 bed. Funny really we could only find 3 beds altogether. TT we need a word.Its ok says Gyte .you sleep with me 'owieand Tidz can have the single bed.
Tidz covered the single bed entirely so how Gyte and your's triuly are going to fit into a f bed I have no idea. TT and Phil share a double. Its should be said that later
when offered TT and Phil didn't want to move into a new
room with 2 single beds, I wonder why?
So out we go onto the streets of Gay Paris. Where shall we go? I know says Tidz that Irish bar we passed when we did our-first forced march of the weekend, oh yes there's more marching to come.
We have a couple and decide food needs to be taken and
we agree on a very cosmopolitan lookingFrench eating
house.
We dine. We drink. We drink more. Beer, cider [various]
lager, gin, vodka with black dog, [red bull is banned in
France] the list goes on and on.
We take on all comers at pool and win. We do a drugs deal
with the Columbian. TT challenges the biggest guy I have
ever seen.
It should be said that it is now 3am and my memory is failing TT is asleep and Gyte can't remember anything since
6 o'clock.
TT's call of 'You have the first punch, and make it a good one' to this rather large chap spur me on to conversation and to make friends with him. It goes well but now TT is switching the TV's off. Phil wants to help but can't reach the TV to switch it back on, neither can Gyte. However Gyte finds the next best thing, TT's throat. The game ends
there.
We decide to leave and make our way back to our 5 star hotel. Oh did I mentionwe are livingin the centre of the red light district.
TT now decides he want to visit every shop on the way home, and be a nuisance, he is very good at that. He says he can't remember, funny how all the shops remembered TT
isn't it.
'Owie is now hungry and use's is skills as a forager to
acquire some roasted chicken which Gyte promptly eats,
thanks mate.
TT is such a mess only Phil is prepared to take him home.
Funny that, TT drunk, Phil being very helpful and the two
off them in the same bed. Make your own mind up on that
one.
To bed to bed say the remaining trio. Gyte and 'owie and Tidz in the single.
Once in bed after a great deal of pissing about we sleep.
I am awakened by our door being open so get up and close it as anyone wouldhave done. Howwas I to knowthat Gyte had gone to the outside toilet in the hotel foyer in his underpants. Not a normal thing to do when he was sleeping 3 feet away from our own private toilet. We were awakened by the cries of the locked out Gyte who was not chuffed and expected better of his friends, or at least
that's what I think he said.
Before I go any further it should be said that no one had used our toilet at this time, indeed Tidz never went the whole weekend.
His body simply processes food and alcohol through his in built converter into methane gas which he release's when no-one is listening. Youall knowwhen a batch has been
processed though. Processing this way allows more time for
Magners and food according to Tidz.
When we wake in our 4 star 2 bed room we find we have an
in built shower area. If you leave your clothes here over
night then the bath water from upstairs drains onto your
clothes through the ceiling, doesn't it Steve.
The Cultural day.
Saturday brought the best out of as we set off on a
cultural tour of the city, at the front as always was TT.
It should be mentioned that this type of must start with a
good breakfast. We were a little delicate from the night
before so we decided to have a light breakfast, omelette.
Some of us seen this twice Ihasten to add.
So away we went on our great adventure. TT must have read the guide to the metro the night before because today he certainly new his way around. There is alaways a right way and a wrong way to travel on
the metro and we found the latter. TT worked it out that
if you sit on the metro long enough you will get to the station that you want. Stay on the metro at this stage, go to the next station cross the line go one station in the opposite direction and get off there. This system works and I will never be lost again, thanks TT.
The Only place we found was Notre Dam. Once seen is enough. What now cry the troops, Magners roars Tidz.
So we make our weary way back to base camp. We the lucky ones have a new room, about as big as a one man tent but there are three beds. TT and Phil still opt for the one bed, we are all getting a bit concerned.
We venture out again leaving Gyte having a power snooze
and Phil a power shave. Back to the Irish bar roars Tidz,
no arguing with him when he's got Magners on his mind.
When there we decide to try a full Irish breakfast, its now
3.45pm. The boys return later and we decide to eat again and you guessed another breakfast. We are now all well again and in full, we decide to move to a little Irish bar we found have a few more drinks, watch a bit of rugby on the telly and an early night for us all. I'm getting the odd flashback about the night before TT
remembers nowt. As we sit in the windowof this little bar chattering away, TT was in full flow when the whole bar went dark. The street lights were blocked out and there
was a mighty thump on the window. It was him from last night, he was bigger now than I remember. He laughed and shouted smiled and moved on. We tried to pick up our conversation where we left off but TT was dumb struck.
think he was just dumb.Now the truth dawned and TT finally realised how he lucky he was to have good pals around. He has sworn never to drink again.
The day we all came for.
This was it the big one. Easy go to the ground, we new now how to use the metro. A couple of beers, a bite to eat, Tidz was peckish. Get the tickets, enjoy the pre-match build up and the game to follow.
I was nowok with my gout tabs and my 'cream', although walkingwas difficult I couldjust managea 100 yds or so at a time. As we had a beer TT went for the tickets, big mistake-he
came back. No tickets, we can't have them until 2.30,
that's ok the game starts at 4pm plenty of time.
We watch a bit of a junior game, have a beer and 90 to
get the tickets.
The lady doesn't like TT and makes him wait until 2.34, at
this time she tells him that she hasn't got them and he
must pick them up from 'CarFoir' where ever that is.
So we ask, and ask and ask. We get no where. TT is now
getting well wound up.We are now on the second forced
march of the weekend with TT out in front going no where.TT and Tidz race off to find this place and the rest ofwait, and wait and wait.We see them every now and then looking like remotecontrolled machines running here there and everywhere, butgetting no where. Eventually they return. TT has found out
that the tickets should have been collected at the latestthe day before as the place was shut today, Sunday. Wellthere's a surprise.
TT now leads us back to the ticket desk and a new ladytells him that the place is shut today but never mind havethese tickets instead.
One and a half hours after being told the tickets were notthere and a 4 mile march later we get into the stadium justin time to see the game kick off.
One assumes that when you pay for seats you get seats notin France you just get tickets. We are all very careful whatwe say to TT now.
The game.Least said soonest mended.

We return from the game using the now acceptable metro
and our unique system to the area in Paris that we
laughinglycal 'home'.
A couple of beers in our favourite bars. Another breakfast or 2 'cos Tidz was peckish and then we see them. Perverts. Peado's. Blackmailer's. Pimps. Illegal's. Who know's what they really were.
There they are in the middle of the road taking photo's. Photo's of innocent tourists just doing tourist things. You know, late night shopping in the 'specialist' souvenir shop or
two.
What do these people get out of this? They should be taken to task for putting off the tourist from spending his or her money. Never mind, more beer. Gyte now needs sleep so leaves the rest of us to it. It was 7. 45pm.
A couple of hours later John Wayne leaves, saddle bags still attached. The rest follow on later, much later.
Morning breaks and we are all restless ready to get back to our loved ones as quickly as we can, because we have no money left.
We take travel on the metro to a new level, we get on the train we get off even before it moves. TT says this is the way everyone does it, he read that somewhere.
The flight is pretty uneventful apart from the guy next to Gyte who is scared of flying. We sympathise with him and then take the piss for whole flight, great fun.
Then there's TT with his 2 little friends, but we don't talk bout that do we boys'
We land at Birmingham, I guess we should be grateful for small mercies. Now all we have to do is ring the bus to collect us before we pick up our baggage so as we leave the airport the bus will be there. A simple task for most people
but not TT. He has left the number in his easel
Into the private taxi and home, it now stinks by the way.On the whole an adventure for all who went, some morethan other's.A few reminders.Magners
Blackdog, what the fuck was that stuff.Hunt the ticket.
You can't buy friends like this.I could have gone abroad for amount the I have spent here.You have first smack, but make it a good one because you
won't get another.I think TT should practise a little more, so where are we going next?

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Buxton Thirds 14 Old Bedians 3

Buxton thirds served up a feast of solid winter fare as they recorded their first win since November last year and scored their first try in 240 minutes of rugby. Built around the efforts of the forwards this was a superb team performance. The front row of Bearman, Uprichard, and Simpson bossed their opposite numbers and caused so much pressure that Buxton had to lend Bedians Austin for the last twenty minutes, to shore up their creaking front row so that the scrums would stay contested. Any ball that Bedians got from the set piece was scrappy and the backrow, Allen in particular, lapped up anything loose. Fussell and Austin locked the scrum effectively and were ever present in the loose, getting through plenty of work. Defensively this was an excellent effort. Bedians came close to scoring on a couple of occasions as their pacey backs found some space, but there was always someone covering back. D Gyte again was exceptional, putting in some big hits, and Allen not be left out added a few of his own. In the first half Kidman was outstanding in the line out, wining his own ball and taking a decent slice of the oppositions ball, and although the lineout did not function with the same aplomb in the second half, Barber, S Gyte and Charles harried the scrum half spoiling the flow of possession. Preece and Poole continued to develop their half back partnership. Preece like a fine Pont l’Eveque belies his age. His passing was pinpoint accurate and he got stuck into the rucks and guided the mauls with authority. Poole’s decision making improves with every game and his touch finding was excellent. With the return of Graham the three quarters had a more solid look to them. A few trade mark breaks and a sort of off load completed his afternoon’s work. He made way for Scott who made his presence felt with a couple of shuddering tackles. Weston and W Preece made use of the few opportunities well and Dawson replacing the injured Stratford, made one crucial break dancing his way through half a dozen tackles to take Buxton out of trouble.

Buxton scored a try in each half. The first came after a series of scrums close to the Bedians line. A huge effort drove Bedians back but at the point of scoring the ball spilled forward. Bedians were penalised however for collapsing and Buxton opted for a scrum. This time there was no doubt. They shunted the Bedian pack back over their line and Allen emerged from the pile of bodies to claim the score. Charles with Wilkinson like calm slotted the conversion to edge Buxton ahead.

With the scrum equally dominant in the second half, a ferocious series of drives took the thirds to the Bedians line. Another scrum, another bulldozing drive and this time it was the turn of Charles to claim the try. He converted to take Buxton clear. Bedians launched a series of attacks. The thirds defence was equal to the challenge. Ross replacing Poole knocked his opposite number back, and Ritchie made a try saving tackle at the death.

A massive team effort, with everyone playing their part. The win takes the thirds to twelfth in the table ahead of Sandbach and Knutsford. Their next game is away to Wilmslow and they can travel with confidence.

Buxton were: Bearman, Uprichard, Simpson (Gyte 50m), Austin (Barber 40m),Fussell, Allen, Charles, Kidman, (Beeley 40m), Preece, Poole (Ross), D Gyte (Ritchie 55m), Graham (Scott 60m),Weston, W Preece, Stratford (Dawson 35m)

Man of the Match - The Team (Charles and Allen were mentioned in dispatches)

Twat of the Day - There wasn't one. Well Wayne Dilly is on holiday which explains it.

Thirds Lose to Aldwinians 21- 0

Despite dominating possession and territory, the failure to take their chances cost the thirds more points yet again. It’s a tired old cliché but this was a game that they should and could have won. Maybe two games in five days were too much as collectively the team seemed to run out of steam in the final ten minutes. However the forwards were outstanding. They dominated upfront. Bearman, Fussell, and Man of the Match Stevie Gyte squeezed and tormented their opposite numbers ruthlessly all afternoon, while Dilworth and Barber provided the power as the pack drove Aldwinians back at almost every scrum. In the loose Buxton’s rucking, was much improved. Allen, Weston and Charles were excellent at the breakdown and tackled effectively around the fringes. They were well supported by the front five, with Dilworth and Gyte covering a lot of ground. Early on Charles drove into the opposition twenty-two, laid the ball back, Preece found the formidable presence of Allen lurking outside him. Allen with their diminutive scrum half to beat unselflessly passed to Barber who ran into traffic and the move broke down.

Two of Aldwinians tries came from Buxton errors whilst one was an excellent score involving their backs that the defence could do little about. Their final try came as Buxton tried to run the ball out of their own twenty two. Stratford had the vision to see a gap as the Aldwinians defence drifted and he called for an inside ball from Poole. Had he taken the pass and had the strength to run the eighty metres to the try line, it would have been a champagne moment. Sadly he fumbled the pass and the opposition pounced to run in a score. More sour beer than bubbly!

A move that began with a series of rucks continued with Wayne Preece and Dan Gyte making half breaks before releasing the increasingly impressive Dawson on the wing. He rounded his marker and broke through three further tackles, making twenty yards. He was just deemed to have put a foot in touch with the line beckoning. Defensively the organisation was good. Stratford again marshalling things effectively with Richie putting in some telling hits.

Poole probed the touchline effectively for most of the afternoon, and had an eye for the break, but despite a lot of effort the backs were unable to break through the first line of defence sufficiently often or find away to deal with the drift defence.

Another frustrating afternoon! One day it will all click into place and someone will be on the end of a hiding from this third team. Lets hope it’s soon.

Buxton were: Bearman, Fussell, S Gyte, Dilworth, Barber, Allen, Weston, Charles, P Preece, Poole, Richie, D Gyte, W Preece, Dawson, Stratford

Man of the Match - Stevie Gyte
Twat of the Day - Mike Barber (Captain my Captain)

Its been 240 minutes since we last scored a try!! Come to think of it, since we last scored any points at all!!

More Manc Bastards

This Saturday we shall be visiting the beautiful suburbs of Manchester, to play the gentlemen of Aldwinians , we are meeting at the Railway public house at 12.30 prompt , the theme is firemen , club shirt and tie is required , also after the match I will be taking orders and deposits for the new shirts .
Lets get some points lads we've got Sandbach soon and we need to remember how to score.

Buxton 0 Derbyshire Fire Services 15

Buxton, comprising mainly of the thirds took on the might of Derbyshire Fire Service on Tuesday evening in the rain and under floodlights at Sunnyfields. Despite the scoreline it was a close and hard fought affair. The match got off to an inauspicious start with referee Alan Wells having to retire with a pulled hamstring after two minutes. Luckily the firsts were training nearby and Andy Simms stepped into the breach. The Fire Service started the stronger. They kept the thirds pinned in their twenty two and with the Buxton scrum rocking they opened their scoring after five minutes with a well taken try from a set piece. Within minutes they were back in the Buxton twenty-two and carving through some weak tackling, found themselves 12 – 0 ahead. It looked like along night for the thirds. But as so often this season having made an ineffective and lacklustre start they began to play some rugby. Allen,Tideswell and Charles put in some big hits with Beeley banging into the defence forcing some big tackles from the Firemen. The front row of Sneddon, Fussell, and Bearman, reorganised after a nasty injury to Tideswell, began to assert themselves.

As half time beckoned so the weather set in and this along with some ferocious rucking by Buxton doused the Firemen’s flames. The thirds had much the better of the second half. They were unlucky not to score and had a try disallowed after a sweet move involving the forwards rumbling a few hard yards before Preece swept the ball to Poole who beat his marker and found Dan Gyte. He straightened the line burst through a couple of tackles and released Dawson. With twenty yards to go he broke down the wing his strength taking him through the desperate defence to touch down in the corner. He was deemed to have put a foot in touch and the score did not stand. Minutes later as the rain teemed down, Bennison slid through from Fullback onto a delicate pass from W Preece. He floated past three defenders but was caught thirty metres out. Allen and Fussell arrived and kept the move going, Austin picking up to drive within ten metres. Buxton then had a series of scrums. Three times they drove from the base of the scrum, through Charles and then Hodgkinson but the defence held firm and the ball was turned over by the firemen who relieved the pressure. The arrival of Steve Gyte with thirty minutes to go set the thirds alight. As well as inspiring those around him he was on a solo seek and destroy mission as he hunted down any green shirt with the ball, and caused considerable problems to the Fire Service front row. In addition to the scrum Buxton’s lineout functioned well. Taylor and Charles climbing high into the night sky took plenty of balls and disrupted much of the oppositions possession.

With time running out Preece took a quick penalty, Bearman carved a path through the traffic but was held up and the threat doused with a long clearance kick. A shambolic line out saw Buxton penalised and Fletcher slotted three points courtesy of an upright. As the clock ran down Richie almost got clear after he had picked up a loose ball out on the wing. But in the end the Fire Service defence held firm and they ran out winners 15 – 0.

It was a good hard game, played in difficult conditions but the Thirds need to start as they finish. If they could kick off with the same passion and commitment that they showed in the second half, the score line could have been different. On saturday its back to league action with an away trip to Aldwinians. With the same attitude shown in the second half the thirds can come back with three points.



Buxton were: Bearman (A Sneddon), Fussell, Tideswell (S Gyte), Austin, Taylor, Allen, Beeley (Hodgkinson), Charles, Preece, Richie, Hodgkinson (W Preece), D Gyte, Dawson, Bennison.

Whose Eyes are these?

Mid Week Game 13th February 2007

The Thirds take on the cream of the Derbyshire Fire Service on Tuesday. K.O 7.30pm at Sunnyfields. Wayne Dilly will get to introduce us to his friends. They say that he is going to play for the Fire Service. Chris Allen is looking forward to playing opposite him! So are fourteen others. Will Captain our Captain get back in time from France? Will the pitch be playable? Will the pitch be marked out? Will Wayne Dilly a) play, b) be picked on? Will the floodlights work? Has anyone got a key?

The Money Shot!

Well what can one say? Its no way for a judge to behave. Gytie obviously doesn't swallow! Great photo Howie!

Buxton 0 (again) Northwich 41

The thirds front row relish yet another encounter with Northwich!

Third team photo

All pictures taken by Howard.

Global warming seems to have taken its toll of the thirds. They are suffering a drought as far as try scoring is concerned, and have the lowest points for, of any team in the league. And on a warm sunny afternoon at Sunnyfields the drought continued as the thirds lost to nil yet again.

Things looked a bit bleak when Tay had a close encounter with a tackle bag during the pre match warm up and photo session. He came off second best. Wilkinson damaged his ribs on the first scrum and though that brought Ali Bearman into the fray slightly earlier than he expected, the pack had a torrid time in the set pieces. The front row Bearman Uprichard and Fussell battled hard all afternoon and Dilworth and Barber stuck at it but they got little change against a stronger and technically better Northwich eight .It was a long hot afternoon, and the decision to forsake Lilliput in favour of the No two pitch seemed ill conceived and over optimistic.

The opening ten minutes went well for Buxton apart from the injury to Wilko. They dominated the territory and put some good moves together, Henderson in particular making the hard yards. A scrappy lineout gave Northwich an opportunity to strike from distance and this they did in some style to open the scoring. Despite valiant defence, Northwich were to quick and too well drilled. The “lean mean tackling machine” Allen tackled all afternoon, and came back onto the pitch after having stitches to a cut eye. Dan Gyte was his tenacious best, and had to be rescued by the skipper Mick Barber after one of his tackles was deemed high by some of the Northwich players. They wanted to have a chat about it but Mike at his diplomatic best calmed the situation down. Stratford organised the backs and showed his skill and class on occasions but there simply was not enough quality ball to do more. Matt Poole is developing into a good fly half. His kicking was excellent and he put Buxton into attacking opportunities. The old bete noir, the failure to retain possession cost the thirds dear yet again. Charles tried his best but to often found himself without support. Preece was calm and assured behind the scrum and there was a big welcome back to Stevie Golden who took over for the second half. Weston, Dawson and Bennison had a couple of breaks out of defence and Richie was solid in defence. But even Stevie Gyte found it hard to lift things, though there was the familiar thud and groans as he steamed into a couple of tackles.

Taylor and McNicholas did well in the line out in particular disrupting Northwich ball, but in the end the thirds were up against a better well-drilled side. That said if we did the basic things well and had a little more aggression in the contact and a little more self-belief we could surprise ourselves and a few other teams. Training! That’s what is needed. We know when it is and where it is so be there!

Buxton thirds were: Fussell ©, Uprichard, Wilkinson (Bearman 5mins), Dilworth (McNicholas 45mins), Taylor (Barber 40mins) Allen (Gyte B/I 45-65mins) Charles, Henderson, Preece (Golden 40mins), Poole, D Gyte, Weston, W Preece, Richie (Dawson 40mins) Stratford, (Bennison 40mins)

Meet the referee

Alan Wells - ex player

Welsh. That means he can sing, or rather thinks he can. Ask him and he will sing for you. Don't ask him and he will still sing for you. Interesting take on some of the rules. We seem to get him alot. I have always thought that he is an excellent ref. Fair, clear and consistent. I think its all rubbish what others say about him.

This saturday's game v Northwich 3 February 2007

We are home to Northwich KO 2.00pm

Northwich are currently 6th in the League. They like to play an open expansive game, as we found when we went over there. They won't like Lilliput though! The England Scotland game is on at the club, the beer will taste so much sweeter if we win!! And it will make writing the match report easier.

Looks like the Beermonster has recovered from his broken finger! Wayne is now sporting two black eyes. He did the other one himself just to even things up. Who will Tay play for? Will he fall for Toby's honeyed tongue or be seduced by Captain my Captains rough and abrasive but warming words? We shall see.

Third Team Motto

Obesi, mali sitientes sumus, sed ludere desideramus.

We are fat, bad and unfit but we love to play.