Five go to Paris by Owie Graham
The Tale of 'The Parisian Sale'
I new it was too good to be true, but we all like a bargain,
a free meal etc. Trust me it doesn't exist.
When I was asked 'Did I want to 90 to Paris to watch a
great game of rugby spend 3 nights in a luxury hotel door
to door transport and all for £ 177? You are tempted,
aren't you.
Well I was.
I should have caught on earlier when I was asked if I
minded taking my car to the airport, I didn't realise I was the only one with a car big enough to take us all. Never
mind I thought it's a small sacrifice to make to be in the company of such good friends, and the best was yet to come, or was it.
When we got to the airport we decided to oPerate a 'kitty' system and have a drink. The price per pint, expensive, but who cares lets have 5 or 6 rounds at £20 a go. Paris can only get better.
The flight is delayed, not much but delayed, lets have a another beer.
We take off, we land, we're there, we're not. We leave the plane after travelling for a further 47mins in the plane, on the ground.
At last we get off, and guess what we get on a bus and travel a further 14minsaround the airport . We have now spent longer on the ground at the airport that in actual
flying time. Never mind we're here'
Paris. The Cultural Graffiti city 2006n
Only a short train journey and metro ride and we end up
outside our luxury hotel.
We get of the metro at the right place but can we find the hotel no we can't. Trusty Tim. or TT as we call him is now not happy and calls for ideas. There seems to be only one sensible way forward as Tidz would put it 'More Magners'.
We find a typical French bar disguised as a Cockney Irish bar and succumb to more Magners. We come back to this bar later [Saturday] but find people there who are louder and more annoying than Howard so we leave. Oh and they new Graham Green and that's a good enough reason to leave anywhere.
We set about finding our hotel. we walk up five different streets and still we can't find it. TT is getting annoyed. Tidz is now hungry and thirsty.Howard's got gout and chaving. Phil is just Phil and Gyte is lookingfor anyone who can speak English. or Gyteish even.
We find our luxury hotel which was booked by TT. Two rooms. one 3 bed and one a 2 bed. Funny really we could only find 3 beds altogether. TT we need a word.Its ok says Gyte .you sleep with me 'owieand Tidz can have the single bed.
Tidz covered the single bed entirely so how Gyte and your's triuly are going to fit into a f bed I have no idea. TT and Phil share a double. Its should be said that later
when offered TT and Phil didn't want to move into a new
room with 2 single beds, I wonder why?
So out we go onto the streets of Gay Paris. Where shall we go? I know says Tidz that Irish bar we passed when we did our-first forced march of the weekend, oh yes there's more marching to come.
We have a couple and decide food needs to be taken and
we agree on a very cosmopolitan lookingFrench eating
house.
We dine. We drink. We drink more. Beer, cider [various]
lager, gin, vodka with black dog, [red bull is banned in
France] the list goes on and on.
We take on all comers at pool and win. We do a drugs deal
with the Columbian. TT challenges the biggest guy I have
ever seen.
It should be said that it is now 3am and my memory is failing TT is asleep and Gyte can't remember anything since
6 o'clock.
TT's call of 'You have the first punch, and make it a good one' to this rather large chap spur me on to conversation and to make friends with him. It goes well but now TT is switching the TV's off. Phil wants to help but can't reach the TV to switch it back on, neither can Gyte. However Gyte finds the next best thing, TT's throat. The game ends
there.
We decide to leave and make our way back to our 5 star hotel. Oh did I mentionwe are livingin the centre of the red light district.
TT now decides he want to visit every shop on the way home, and be a nuisance, he is very good at that. He says he can't remember, funny how all the shops remembered TT
isn't it.
'Owie is now hungry and use's is skills as a forager to
acquire some roasted chicken which Gyte promptly eats,
thanks mate.
TT is such a mess only Phil is prepared to take him home.
Funny that, TT drunk, Phil being very helpful and the two
off them in the same bed. Make your own mind up on that
one.
To bed to bed say the remaining trio. Gyte and 'owie and Tidz in the single.
Once in bed after a great deal of pissing about we sleep.
I am awakened by our door being open so get up and close it as anyone wouldhave done. Howwas I to knowthat Gyte had gone to the outside toilet in the hotel foyer in his underpants. Not a normal thing to do when he was sleeping 3 feet away from our own private toilet. We were awakened by the cries of the locked out Gyte who was not chuffed and expected better of his friends, or at least
that's what I think he said.
Before I go any further it should be said that no one had used our toilet at this time, indeed Tidz never went the whole weekend.
His body simply processes food and alcohol through his in built converter into methane gas which he release's when no-one is listening. Youall knowwhen a batch has been
processed though. Processing this way allows more time for
Magners and food according to Tidz.
When we wake in our 4 star 2 bed room we find we have an
in built shower area. If you leave your clothes here over
night then the bath water from upstairs drains onto your
clothes through the ceiling, doesn't it Steve.
The Cultural day.
Saturday brought the best out of as we set off on a
cultural tour of the city, at the front as always was TT.
It should be mentioned that this type of must start with a
good breakfast. We were a little delicate from the night
before so we decided to have a light breakfast, omelette.
Some of us seen this twice Ihasten to add.
So away we went on our great adventure. TT must have read the guide to the metro the night before because today he certainly new his way around. There is alaways a right way and a wrong way to travel on
the metro and we found the latter. TT worked it out that
if you sit on the metro long enough you will get to the station that you want. Stay on the metro at this stage, go to the next station cross the line go one station in the opposite direction and get off there. This system works and I will never be lost again, thanks TT.
The Only place we found was Notre Dam. Once seen is enough. What now cry the troops, Magners roars Tidz.
So we make our weary way back to base camp. We the lucky ones have a new room, about as big as a one man tent but there are three beds. TT and Phil still opt for the one bed, we are all getting a bit concerned.
We venture out again leaving Gyte having a power snooze
and Phil a power shave. Back to the Irish bar roars Tidz,
no arguing with him when he's got Magners on his mind.
When there we decide to try a full Irish breakfast, its now
3.45pm. The boys return later and we decide to eat again and you guessed another breakfast. We are now all well again and in full, we decide to move to a little Irish bar we found have a few more drinks, watch a bit of rugby on the telly and an early night for us all. I'm getting the odd flashback about the night before TT
remembers nowt. As we sit in the windowof this little bar chattering away, TT was in full flow when the whole bar went dark. The street lights were blocked out and there
was a mighty thump on the window. It was him from last night, he was bigger now than I remember. He laughed and shouted smiled and moved on. We tried to pick up our conversation where we left off but TT was dumb struck.
think he was just dumb.Now the truth dawned and TT finally realised how he lucky he was to have good pals around. He has sworn never to drink again.
The day we all came for.
This was it the big one. Easy go to the ground, we new now how to use the metro. A couple of beers, a bite to eat, Tidz was peckish. Get the tickets, enjoy the pre-match build up and the game to follow.
I was nowok with my gout tabs and my 'cream', although walkingwas difficult I couldjust managea 100 yds or so at a time. As we had a beer TT went for the tickets, big mistake-he
came back. No tickets, we can't have them until 2.30,
that's ok the game starts at 4pm plenty of time.
We watch a bit of a junior game, have a beer and 90 to
get the tickets.
The lady doesn't like TT and makes him wait until 2.34, at
this time she tells him that she hasn't got them and he
must pick them up from 'CarFoir' where ever that is.
So we ask, and ask and ask. We get no where. TT is now
getting well wound up.We are now on the second forced
march of the weekend with TT out in front going no where.TT and Tidz race off to find this place and the rest ofwait, and wait and wait.We see them every now and then looking like remotecontrolled machines running here there and everywhere, butgetting no where. Eventually they return. TT has found out
that the tickets should have been collected at the latestthe day before as the place was shut today, Sunday. Wellthere's a surprise.
TT now leads us back to the ticket desk and a new ladytells him that the place is shut today but never mind havethese tickets instead.
One and a half hours after being told the tickets were notthere and a 4 mile march later we get into the stadium justin time to see the game kick off.
One assumes that when you pay for seats you get seats notin France you just get tickets. We are all very careful whatwe say to TT now.
The game.Least said soonest mended.
a free meal etc. Trust me it doesn't exist.
When I was asked 'Did I want to 90 to Paris to watch a
great game of rugby spend 3 nights in a luxury hotel door
to door transport and all for £ 177? You are tempted,
aren't you.
Well I was.
I should have caught on earlier when I was asked if I
minded taking my car to the airport, I didn't realise I was the only one with a car big enough to take us all. Never
mind I thought it's a small sacrifice to make to be in the company of such good friends, and the best was yet to come, or was it.
When we got to the airport we decided to oPerate a 'kitty' system and have a drink. The price per pint, expensive, but who cares lets have 5 or 6 rounds at £20 a go. Paris can only get better.
The flight is delayed, not much but delayed, lets have a another beer.
We take off, we land, we're there, we're not. We leave the plane after travelling for a further 47mins in the plane, on the ground.
At last we get off, and guess what we get on a bus and travel a further 14minsaround the airport . We have now spent longer on the ground at the airport that in actual
flying time. Never mind we're here'
Paris. The Cultural Graffiti city 2006n
Only a short train journey and metro ride and we end up
outside our luxury hotel.
We get of the metro at the right place but can we find the hotel no we can't. Trusty Tim. or TT as we call him is now not happy and calls for ideas. There seems to be only one sensible way forward as Tidz would put it 'More Magners'.
We find a typical French bar disguised as a Cockney Irish bar and succumb to more Magners. We come back to this bar later [Saturday] but find people there who are louder and more annoying than Howard so we leave. Oh and they new Graham Green and that's a good enough reason to leave anywhere.
We set about finding our hotel. we walk up five different streets and still we can't find it. TT is getting annoyed. Tidz is now hungry and thirsty.Howard's got gout and chaving. Phil is just Phil and Gyte is lookingfor anyone who can speak English. or Gyteish even.
We find our luxury hotel which was booked by TT. Two rooms. one 3 bed and one a 2 bed. Funny really we could only find 3 beds altogether. TT we need a word.Its ok says Gyte .you sleep with me 'owieand Tidz can have the single bed.
Tidz covered the single bed entirely so how Gyte and your's triuly are going to fit into a f bed I have no idea. TT and Phil share a double. Its should be said that later
when offered TT and Phil didn't want to move into a new
room with 2 single beds, I wonder why?
So out we go onto the streets of Gay Paris. Where shall we go? I know says Tidz that Irish bar we passed when we did our-first forced march of the weekend, oh yes there's more marching to come.
We have a couple and decide food needs to be taken and
we agree on a very cosmopolitan lookingFrench eating
house.
We dine. We drink. We drink more. Beer, cider [various]
lager, gin, vodka with black dog, [red bull is banned in
France] the list goes on and on.
We take on all comers at pool and win. We do a drugs deal
with the Columbian. TT challenges the biggest guy I have
ever seen.
It should be said that it is now 3am and my memory is failing TT is asleep and Gyte can't remember anything since
6 o'clock.
TT's call of 'You have the first punch, and make it a good one' to this rather large chap spur me on to conversation and to make friends with him. It goes well but now TT is switching the TV's off. Phil wants to help but can't reach the TV to switch it back on, neither can Gyte. However Gyte finds the next best thing, TT's throat. The game ends
there.
We decide to leave and make our way back to our 5 star hotel. Oh did I mentionwe are livingin the centre of the red light district.
TT now decides he want to visit every shop on the way home, and be a nuisance, he is very good at that. He says he can't remember, funny how all the shops remembered TT
isn't it.
'Owie is now hungry and use's is skills as a forager to
acquire some roasted chicken which Gyte promptly eats,
thanks mate.
TT is such a mess only Phil is prepared to take him home.
Funny that, TT drunk, Phil being very helpful and the two
off them in the same bed. Make your own mind up on that
one.
To bed to bed say the remaining trio. Gyte and 'owie and Tidz in the single.
Once in bed after a great deal of pissing about we sleep.
I am awakened by our door being open so get up and close it as anyone wouldhave done. Howwas I to knowthat Gyte had gone to the outside toilet in the hotel foyer in his underpants. Not a normal thing to do when he was sleeping 3 feet away from our own private toilet. We were awakened by the cries of the locked out Gyte who was not chuffed and expected better of his friends, or at least
that's what I think he said.
Before I go any further it should be said that no one had used our toilet at this time, indeed Tidz never went the whole weekend.
His body simply processes food and alcohol through his in built converter into methane gas which he release's when no-one is listening. Youall knowwhen a batch has been
processed though. Processing this way allows more time for
Magners and food according to Tidz.
When we wake in our 4 star 2 bed room we find we have an
in built shower area. If you leave your clothes here over
night then the bath water from upstairs drains onto your
clothes through the ceiling, doesn't it Steve.
The Cultural day.
Saturday brought the best out of as we set off on a
cultural tour of the city, at the front as always was TT.
It should be mentioned that this type of must start with a
good breakfast. We were a little delicate from the night
before so we decided to have a light breakfast, omelette.
Some of us seen this twice Ihasten to add.
So away we went on our great adventure. TT must have read the guide to the metro the night before because today he certainly new his way around. There is alaways a right way and a wrong way to travel on
the metro and we found the latter. TT worked it out that
if you sit on the metro long enough you will get to the station that you want. Stay on the metro at this stage, go to the next station cross the line go one station in the opposite direction and get off there. This system works and I will never be lost again, thanks TT.
The Only place we found was Notre Dam. Once seen is enough. What now cry the troops, Magners roars Tidz.
So we make our weary way back to base camp. We the lucky ones have a new room, about as big as a one man tent but there are three beds. TT and Phil still opt for the one bed, we are all getting a bit concerned.
We venture out again leaving Gyte having a power snooze
and Phil a power shave. Back to the Irish bar roars Tidz,
no arguing with him when he's got Magners on his mind.
When there we decide to try a full Irish breakfast, its now
3.45pm. The boys return later and we decide to eat again and you guessed another breakfast. We are now all well again and in full, we decide to move to a little Irish bar we found have a few more drinks, watch a bit of rugby on the telly and an early night for us all. I'm getting the odd flashback about the night before TT
remembers nowt. As we sit in the windowof this little bar chattering away, TT was in full flow when the whole bar went dark. The street lights were blocked out and there
was a mighty thump on the window. It was him from last night, he was bigger now than I remember. He laughed and shouted smiled and moved on. We tried to pick up our conversation where we left off but TT was dumb struck.
think he was just dumb.Now the truth dawned and TT finally realised how he lucky he was to have good pals around. He has sworn never to drink again.
The day we all came for.
This was it the big one. Easy go to the ground, we new now how to use the metro. A couple of beers, a bite to eat, Tidz was peckish. Get the tickets, enjoy the pre-match build up and the game to follow.
I was nowok with my gout tabs and my 'cream', although walkingwas difficult I couldjust managea 100 yds or so at a time. As we had a beer TT went for the tickets, big mistake-he
came back. No tickets, we can't have them until 2.30,
that's ok the game starts at 4pm plenty of time.
We watch a bit of a junior game, have a beer and 90 to
get the tickets.
The lady doesn't like TT and makes him wait until 2.34, at
this time she tells him that she hasn't got them and he
must pick them up from 'CarFoir' where ever that is.
So we ask, and ask and ask. We get no where. TT is now
getting well wound up.We are now on the second forced
march of the weekend with TT out in front going no where.TT and Tidz race off to find this place and the rest ofwait, and wait and wait.We see them every now and then looking like remotecontrolled machines running here there and everywhere, butgetting no where. Eventually they return. TT has found out
that the tickets should have been collected at the latestthe day before as the place was shut today, Sunday. Wellthere's a surprise.
TT now leads us back to the ticket desk and a new ladytells him that the place is shut today but never mind havethese tickets instead.
One and a half hours after being told the tickets were notthere and a 4 mile march later we get into the stadium justin time to see the game kick off.
One assumes that when you pay for seats you get seats notin France you just get tickets. We are all very careful whatwe say to TT now.
The game.Least said soonest mended.
We return from the game using the now acceptable metro
and our unique system to the area in Paris that we
laughinglycal 'home'.
A couple of beers in our favourite bars. Another breakfast or 2 'cos Tidz was peckish and then we see them. Perverts. Peado's. Blackmailer's. Pimps. Illegal's. Who know's what they really were.
There they are in the middle of the road taking photo's. Photo's of innocent tourists just doing tourist things. You know, late night shopping in the 'specialist' souvenir shop or
two.
What do these people get out of this? They should be taken to task for putting off the tourist from spending his or her money. Never mind, more beer. Gyte now needs sleep so leaves the rest of us to it. It was 7. 45pm.
A couple of hours later John Wayne leaves, saddle bags still attached. The rest follow on later, much later.
Morning breaks and we are all restless ready to get back to our loved ones as quickly as we can, because we have no money left.
We take travel on the metro to a new level, we get on the train we get off even before it moves. TT says this is the way everyone does it, he read that somewhere.
The flight is pretty uneventful apart from the guy next to Gyte who is scared of flying. We sympathise with him and then take the piss for whole flight, great fun.
Then there's TT with his 2 little friends, but we don't talk bout that do we boys'
We land at Birmingham, I guess we should be grateful for small mercies. Now all we have to do is ring the bus to collect us before we pick up our baggage so as we leave the airport the bus will be there. A simple task for most people
but not TT. He has left the number in his easel
Into the private taxi and home, it now stinks by the way.On the whole an adventure for all who went, some morethan other's.A few reminders.Magners
Blackdog, what the fuck was that stuff.Hunt the ticket.
You can't buy friends like this.I could have gone abroad for amount the I have spent here.You have first smack, but make it a good one because you
won't get another.I think TT should practise a little more, so where are we going next?
and our unique system to the area in Paris that we
laughinglycal 'home'.
A couple of beers in our favourite bars. Another breakfast or 2 'cos Tidz was peckish and then we see them. Perverts. Peado's. Blackmailer's. Pimps. Illegal's. Who know's what they really were.
There they are in the middle of the road taking photo's. Photo's of innocent tourists just doing tourist things. You know, late night shopping in the 'specialist' souvenir shop or
two.
What do these people get out of this? They should be taken to task for putting off the tourist from spending his or her money. Never mind, more beer. Gyte now needs sleep so leaves the rest of us to it. It was 7. 45pm.
A couple of hours later John Wayne leaves, saddle bags still attached. The rest follow on later, much later.
Morning breaks and we are all restless ready to get back to our loved ones as quickly as we can, because we have no money left.
We take travel on the metro to a new level, we get on the train we get off even before it moves. TT says this is the way everyone does it, he read that somewhere.
The flight is pretty uneventful apart from the guy next to Gyte who is scared of flying. We sympathise with him and then take the piss for whole flight, great fun.
Then there's TT with his 2 little friends, but we don't talk bout that do we boys'
We land at Birmingham, I guess we should be grateful for small mercies. Now all we have to do is ring the bus to collect us before we pick up our baggage so as we leave the airport the bus will be there. A simple task for most people
but not TT. He has left the number in his easel
Into the private taxi and home, it now stinks by the way.On the whole an adventure for all who went, some morethan other's.A few reminders.Magners
Blackdog, what the fuck was that stuff.Hunt the ticket.
You can't buy friends like this.I could have gone abroad for amount the I have spent here.You have first smack, but make it a good one because you
won't get another.I think TT should practise a little more, so where are we going next?
1 comment:
I would just like to point out that I posted this unedited in its original form.
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