The Parisian Sale Part Two - The Italian Chapter Part One by Howard Graham
The Parisian Sale
Part Two
‘The Italian Chapter’
[ Part one ]
Well it started again, How are you mate? Do you fancy a drink? Have a large one.
I should have known these things only happen to me when some one wants something and this was no different. If you read part one you know what comes next ‘We need you and err ---- your car if that’s ok.
Being the soft touch that I am I thought well it was ok last time maybe if I go again it will get better or then again maybe not!
It all started so well. I awoke at 8am on the Friday [the day of travel] after being in London for 3 days and not getting home until midnight.
I wasn’t tired I was knackered, but I had to force myself for the sake of the team, sounds a bit like a normal Saturday.
Packed ‘The’ bag and into the car, 10 minutes in all, said Hello to Sal and explained who I was and why I was leaving, again.
I also explained that when I got back on the Monday I didn’t need any supper as I had an 8 o’clock meeting, and forget breakfast as I was going early and would be back on the Thursday night. With hind site, probably not the best time to divulge all this information. Hey Ho.
I have my instructions ‘Pick everyone up at 9am’ How? Tell me how Tim.
I start with Tidz, I knew he had to be first as he hadn’t been to bed the night before. He wasn’t ill he just needed his quota of Magners just in case there wasn’t any in Italy. As if.
Gyte was next but neither Tidz nor I new how to approach this one. We decided the best thing to do was to sit outside the house and blow the horn. We kept the engine running, you never know this is Fairfeild!
A couple of minutes later we got what we came for, ’The Gyte’.
On we go to pick up one of Snow Whites pals, Phil.
We found him pacing up and down the living room like an expectant father. As he walked down the path we could see the smile on his face as he anticipated the next 4 days adventure. When he got in the car we also saw the tear in his eye as he left Kath. Never mind he said ‘I’ll be back’.
It didn’t quite have the same impact as Arnie saying it.
And so we move to find the last of the tour party,[don’t get excited Phil I’m not talking about caravans] I mean our leader, Tim but Dim. Where better to find a sleeping giant than the cemetery, where peace and quiet are the order of the day. Not that Tim needs peace or quiet to nod off, I have the photo’s.
Now we are five! Now we are one! Now the adventure begins.
Just so there is no doubt the party consists of, Batman [driver], Tidz [co pilot], The Gyte [needs no explanation], Tim but Dim [ sleeping giant] and Phil, he’s the one that didn’t go to New Zealand with the lions just in case anyone didn’t know.
The journey to the airport is uneventful excepting that Tim didn’t know where we were leaving the car, he wasn’t bothered, it wasn’t his car.
East Midlands is a small friendly airport. As we all know airports are full of shops and things, so we browse the newsagents but buy nothing. However, we find Phil in the queue to pay. What has he bought and I quote; Making Pegs the easy way [it’s a back edition], Sharpen Knifes and your mind in one easy step, and Caravanning for the beginner. We take him from the queue and back into the the ‘Group’.
Now we have some serious decisions to make. Who holds the Kitty? And who sleeps with whom.
The Kitty is easy, Tidz.
Now to the sleeping arrangements. We have 2 twin rooms, and one single room. The problem is if you remember last year Tim and Phil shared a double bed for the whole weekend! They wanted to renew their experience’s and try a few things they didn’t try on the last trip.
We are a democracy and things must be done and be seen to be done fairly. Phil’s not to keen on this and protests at every opportunity that last year was ok, so do it again.
After much debate and a few beers we decide to let the cards decide who sleeps where, with hind site and Phil’s new found Romany interests perhaps we just played straight into his hands.
The 2 Black Kings were to share and the 2 Black Jacks.
The cards were prepared and laid face down in the centre of the table. Each person was to draw a card in turn. Phil still wasn’t quite sure but hey ho.
As each card was drawn the tension began to tell. First to draw a King, your’s truly. We move on, Tim draws a Jack. Phil is looking worried.
The 3 remaining keep turning over cards, at last another King. Tidz, your with me. There is a sigh of relief but Steve and Phil are there to the end, the last 2 cards. Who gets the Jack? Who gets Tim? And how will the little fella cope if its not him.
Gyte to go and he shields the card from view, Phil is wetting himself. Gyte is at his best when he knows something you don’t. I think I can say we have all been there.
Phil can’t go until Gyte has shown his card, and in the fullness of time I like Gyte will tell you who got the remaining Jack. Remember the cards are never wrong.
Security is now a big part of travelling anywhere but I have never seen our security officers so abused by anyone as I did this day.
As we all know one of our party suffers with Farmer’s, and today was no exception.
On seeing how closely people were being screened and what happened if the alarm went off our man took full advantage.
We all went through the scanner, no problem except our expert on piles. He was taken aside because he was deemed to be carrying a ‘metal object’.
Once in the private booth and the gloves were on [and lubricated]so to speak our man gave in quite easily.
Our security officers found nothing but in their investigation did come across some ‘dangle berries’ which they put back where they should be. Our man returned with a smile and a comfortable walk. Nice one Tidz.
We wait in the bar even though it says we must board now, the writer is forced to have a half as time is running out.
We arrive at the gate and find we still have to wait, a bit like a pass from Phil to Tim. Phil passes to Tim we all get there and wait as Tim explains to Phil why he dropped, lost, knocked on or was turned over. Some things don’t change.
As we wait and chat idly Mr Gyte admits that after 2 years of owning an Ipod he has finally worked that he has to download music into it before it will play it back! Derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Steve has also seen the ‘cut’ and ‘paste’ instructions on his computer and thought this was how he created a desk top and screen saver, as in decorate his computer. Double Derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Not to be out done by computer skills Phil had to confess that it took him 2hrs to book a pitch on a caravan site only to be emailed stating that the last pitch for the relevant night had been sold 1hr earlier. Kath pointed to the phone and smiled, that knowing smile that we’ve all seen. You know the one I mean, the one that says I’ve done in 2 minutes what you couldn’t do in 2 hrs.
What is the only car made in Wales? Answers on a post card please.
When you travel with pals they say things that sometimes are best left unsaid, like, ‘I’ve got a wife 2 cats and a caravan to support’. Once again answers on a post card please. [the address is at the end]
We take off we play cards, only resting to eat and drink red wine, just to get us into the mood.
As we approach the airport and prior to the air rage attack, Phil the pikey spots an Italian caravan site from 5000ft, sad or what.
Now we have all travelled many times the worst thing that you can have is a kid sat behind you kicking your seat, or is it? It could be TC.
This lady said and I quote ‘ I lived through the Blitz but wasn’t scared but he scared me ‘pointing at TC .
Let me go back a step or two to the plane journey. Steve and I were in one row and Tim, Phil and Tidz in front.
To play cards the guys in front knelt on there seats and you guessed it, their feet were banging the seats in front, for nearly 3 hours. I thing they were a bit pissed off.
Anyway as we land the guy in front of Tidz turns round to give him a mouthful, realises that it might not be such a good idea spots TC and lays into him.
The old dear above joins in and her quote was definitely directed in TC’s direction.
Quotes, I like quotes. How many you spot, answers on a postcard please.
No matter we’re here now lets find a pub, an English one, no an Irish one, any pub will do but this is not an easy place to find a beer.
What’s the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris? A man will look for a golf ball. Don’t ask who said that.
Part two to follow.
