THIRD TEAM PLAYER PROFILE

Ali “Beermonster” Bearman - Losehead

Cricketer. Nuff said really. Christmas drinks parties often end with Police raids! Then off to Australia to deny being a cricketer. Admitted to deliberately avoiding the Warrington away match! Stays sober during January! and February! A rock in the scrum.

Andy “ The Councillor” Uprichard - hooker

Claims to be team intellectual and token Irishman. (Is that possible?) Can talk for twenty minutes about why it was the second rows fault that we lost the ball against the head. Fluent in French and bullshit. Most likey too say "What happened there?"

James “Johnny” Wilkinson – Tight head

Silent but deadly on the pitch. Student, Says little but takes his punishment. One of Gyties favourites

Steve “Gytie” Gyte – Tight head / Hooker

Smooth, sophisticated, Good looking – no he is none of these, but he is a BRUFC legend, and human exocet. Has injured more of his own side than the opposition but hides heart of gold under a hard exterior. You do not want him to pass sentence on you at court. Things you don’t want to hear if you are injured “make way I’m a quarryman.” Has retired officially but no one seems to have told him.

Simon “Captain my ex captain” Fussell – Occasional Tight head / Hooker /Second Row / Back row

Basically will try and sneak in anywhere in the forwards. Very stupid! Started playing again after twenty years of watching the worlds greatest rugby team (Bath you idiot!) Favourite film Pirates of the Caribbean. Cannot hold his drink.

Mike “Captain my Captain” Barber – Second Row / Back row and Occasional Centre

Is likely to make an inspirational speech about the importance of substitution at half time. Will bravely take on anyone half his size, but speciality is picking fights with school kids on the pitch. Knows a lot about Fish. Best mates with Toby Stuart Jarvis (BRUFC Second Team Captain)

Chris “Brains” Allen – Back Row

Went pale and almost spat his dummy out when asked to play centre! Has hidden intellectual depths. Overheard asking John “the Vet” Kidman “so what do you do for a living then John the Vet?” Good destructive blind side but has confessed in Gym to wanting to play in the front row.

Dale McNicholas – Occasional Second Row

Was becoming a good rugby player until fell in love and became a student. Now more likely to be found studying in the Dome than on the rugby pitch. Disappointing. Needs to be dealt with on return

John “The Vet” Kidman – Second Row and flying winger

Team Intellectual and “vitinery”. Brings a much-needed cultural influence to the side. Prefers a cappuccino and the Guardian to the bar, but if required will drink to excess.

Tim “Nice But Dim” Charles – No 8, Back row, Fly half.

Usually scores more tries and kicks more goals than anyone else but never lets you know it! Rarely finishes a game without a broken nose. Likely to fall asleep if he comes into contact with alcohol for more than 30 seconds. Skilled at avoiding punishment in court.

Ian Henderson – Back Row and occasional Lose head.

Deceptive. Appears to be laidback but very destructive on the field. Is yet to be tested in Court. Claims to be Scottish.

Paul “Tay” Taylor – Second Row

Will get injured during pre match warm up, during the game and after it.Unable to play in very windy conditions as he gets blown away and has to be tied to a flagpole. Good in the air. Plays his heart out and very good at getting opposition sin binned. Don’t complain about his beer! He’ll set Big Lizzie onto you.

Philip “Pikey” Preece – Scrum Half

Great Clubman and Stalwart. Keeps threatening to retire until reminded of all the other things that he could be doing on a Saturday afternoon, like DIY, shopping, trips out with the wife, shopping, shopping etc. Oh by the way he is not very tall! He has “been there and done that” and seen it all, except that he has no recollection of what he did on a Saturday night for the past thirty years. Rumoured to be planning to definitely retire and spend more time with his caravan next season.

Geoff “Lionel”Ritchie – Wing

Very enthusiastic! His wife claims that he shouts out “Geoff” and “Pass” in his sleep. Don’t let him stand behind you at training though!

Wayne Dilworth – Will play anywhere except the front row. He is not proud.

Most popular member of the team. (So he tells his mate at the fire station) Always has constructive advice to give and likes to share it. A trifle injury prone. Will no longer attend court because he claims he gets picked on. Always carries a selection of nail and skin products i his kit bag.

Matt Poole – Full back, Wing and Fly half

Cricketer. Amongst other crimes are - Falling asleep in flat of certain lady rugby player and failing to give satisfaction and failing to drink punishments in court.

Be warned never ever tell him any of your secrets!

Note to Captain he will require a note from his mum before he can play.

Howard Graham –Centre

The World Greatest Rugby Player from the Worlds greatest Rugby playing family from the Worlds greatest rugby town – Wigton (Where?) or so he will tell you if you let him.

Has retired, but if the sun is shinning and we are playing Sandbach and there is a chance of a piss up after wards, will turn out. Will pull you to one side in the bar and say either; “Have I talked you through my try yet?” Or “You don’t like me do you?” The correct response is “Let me buy you a Stella!” Be warned though he can drink a lot of Stella and remain standing.

Jonathon Dawson - Centre / Wing

Late starter. Made impressive debut but then broke fingernail and had to have two months off. Seems to have made good use of it. See entry for Poolie above. Where Poolie failed Jonny "Depp" succeeded. Looks as if he can drink, so should go far.


Wayne “Dingle” Philips – Wing / Fullback

Enjoys laying out eighteen stone props on the field. Off it, likes to dress in women’s clothing. But then he is from Longnor.

Nick “ Benno” Bennison – Quality back

If he is not hiding from the police behind a shed, he is on a cultural exchange trip to Thailand. Better not ask exactly what is being exchanged though. Seriously dedicated and talented player. Puts a lot back into the club coaching the U17 side. (Girls of course)


Ryan McCoy - Wing / Fullback

Was sent off after twenty minutes on debut for first team. (Club Record?) Sent back to thirds to learn how to behave! Fast and strong on the pitch, claims to be confused about his role off it? Will nip off to China to study the culture and natural history every so often.

James "Rocky" Weston - Centre, Wing

A Member of the Gyte clan. Says it all really! Hard man, likes to fight, once he has the ball it has to be prised from him. Will often kneel facing Mecca in court. Favourite film "Broke back Mountain"

Dan Gyte - Wing

Thin and Wiry (but he's a Gyte!) fearless and ferocious tackler. Seems to have a prodigious capacity for alcohol. "Favourite Film Broke back Mountain."

Ali Packer - Full Back

Not been since before Christmas. Probably asleep in a pub somewhere.

John Baker Pearce - Tight head prop

Still best prop in the club despite advancing years. Hanging in there to play in same team with his son.

Martin Fisher - Fly half

Mercurial fat fly half, prefers touring to playing. Not been out much this season.

Wayne Preece - Wing, Centre

Son of Phil. Fast and deadly finisher. More likely to be found with the seconds or firsts but will always turn out for the thirds if he can.

Alan Tideswell - Tight head

Ex Navy, now an undertaker and publican. Has a surprising turn of speed. Inside that props body a winger yearns to get out and express himself.

Gareth Stratford - Fly Half, Centre

Quality back, good skills and still has plenty of pace. In spare time is a Rock Star with Buxtons top rock act All or Nothing.